Shocking Interview With a U.S. Intel Source

This week, Buzzfeed published explosive but unverified intel documents of unclear origin, revealing a claim that President-Elect Donald Trump had flown to Moscow, checked into a hotel room recently frequented by President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama, and deliberately defiled the sanctified space with large quantities of hooker urine.

Pursuing those remarkable claims, I have just managed to interview a senior U.S. intelligence official – who reveals, on condition of anonymity, that American officials have received a number of other astonishing tips regarding President-Elect Trump's dangerous sexual practices. In the interest of transparency, I present the wholly unverified statements of this senior official verbatim, leaving it for readers to determine their veracity:

First incident: Our intel sources say Mr. Trump was there to deliver a pizza, but then the sorority didn't have enough cash to pay for it. For reasons that remain unclear, a funky bass line began to play. Then the sorority chicks began to undress, revealing bosoms of exceptional proportions, and Mr. Trump is said to have made a play on words that involved the delivery of a 'sausage' pizza, while licking his lips in a suggestive manner and boldly tossing his mullet from side to side. Perverse and gymnastically exceptional sexual acts did then occur.

Second incident: A highly placed foreign government official tells us that a car driven by three ravishing blondes in cheerleader outfits broke down on the side of a remote highway. Though the day was exceptionally hot and sunny, the ladies in question were able to cool their bodies by pouring bottles of chilled water onto their shirts. Mr. Trump was driving a tow truck, and responded to the scene to assist. However, upon seeing the wet cheerleader shirts in question, he became aroused. Our sources indicate that Mr. Trump then stated that he would 'pull out his gear and get you ladies all jacked up to ride,' prompting spontaneous squeals of apparent delight. He then lowered a mattress to the ground, adjacent to the highway. Once again, numerous sexual acts took place.

Third incident: While working as a junior college volleyball referee, Mr. Trump called a foul on a pair of young players in extremely small shorts. Having identified a transgression against 'league rules,' our sources indicate, Mr. Trump explained to the players that the penalty for the offense in question was 'a hot and nasty spanking to show you what I do to bad girls like you.' The younger of the players objected, pulling on her pigtails and tucking a fingertip into the corner of her mouth. Substantial HUMINT indicates that the player stated, 'But sir, we're barely legal college girls.' The subsequent sexual acts are said by several foreign intelligence agencies to have involved baby oil, a small leather paddle, and a sturdy nylon swing.

As experienced professionals, we assess this intel to be highly credible.

Clearly, these are allegations of the highest merit, raising deep concerns. It appears that the Trump presidency will be finished before it even begins.